congee hanzi

drop her in the water

"Hey Elyse, where'd you get that unsightly abrasion on your ass?"

"Well, I was balancing on a velour-covered eraser-shaped plywood prism precariously propped on a tripod inside this velour-lined plywood box. I was gripping my shanzhai Gucci handbag under my baby oil-slathered arm whilst attempting to support my weight on one foot without wrinkling the shimmering instep of my golden pleather loafer. I guess the prism must've slipped because the next thing I knew, I was on the floor, with my buttcheek throbbing and the walls of the velour-lined room swaying around me.

"Oh. Oh my god! I...I'm here in my bed. It's morning! It was all a dream.


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BONUS: I uploaded these pics two days ago with a narrative in mind that would've tied them all together. I ran out of time, had to go do a casting, the moment passed, I aborted the story, but the pictures were already uploaded. Here they are, blood:

Michael Qiaodan of the Xicago Bulls, my second-favorite baller (after Shaq).

I ran out of toothpaste, and I went on a mission to a distant hypermarket where I thought I had seen The Only Toothpaste (Crest Vivid White, God's own toothpaste) some weeks ago. I was wrong; they didn't have it; I ended up with this shit. What is that anyway, some lotus flower shit? Some water lily shit? I used it for the first time this morning and I can practically hear my teeth sizzling and rotting in the absence of Crest Vivid White. Henceforth I'll just have to do my chewing with one of my many grillz.

This lady with her sidewalk foot-treadle sewing machine operation cut the atrocious 3/4 length bell sleeves off my white dress and hemmed the stumps for only 4RMB (=US$0.58).

I did castings in that dress with NO COAT because that's how warm it was in Shanghai two days ago.

Lastly, Happy Valentine's Day, baby. I love you. I got you this gross of shots individually packaged in spermatozoon-shaped plastic bottles. What did you get for me?
congee hanzi

far cathay

I'm still pretty high from Chinese New Year. The prolonged break from the frustrations of ladypose moil, combined with the fact that I'm reading The Travels of Marco Polo, a mostly-true catalog of Marky Marc's impressions of unfamiliar provinces, has my soul incandescing daily with delight at the myriad subtle ways in which the Chinese mode of life differs from the Western. The lady in the street, trotting after me with my dropped glove, shouts, "Big sister! Big sister!"; the grocery store cashier yells to the old lady who abandoned her basket and went back for a bunch of spring onions, "Grandmother! Hurry up!" This pastry, served up alongside peanut and coconut shortbread, was flavored with sugar and ground seaweed, musty and dusty and oceany, unlike anything I'd ever tasted before, but so delicious and perfect. Sorry. I've been sitting here trying to think of how to put my good feelings into words without venturing into Mawksville or the trite latitudes. It's hard! The world is full of people, life is sweet, and my dispo this evening is sunny. I guess that's all.

Anywayz, wanna look at some dogs being publicly humiliated?

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congee hanzi

oxing day

Chinese New Year! Oh my god! Chinese New Year! It's almost 12:30am and there is MAYHEM in my 'hood! Fireworks have been exploding CONSTANTLY for hours and hours! Burned shreds of red tissue paper from spent fireworks are piling up in drifts! The air is opaque with smoke. People are running through the streets screaming "Woooooo!" I have never seen Chinese people going apeshit like this! WOOOOO!

According to superstition, today (January 26th) will set the tone for the rest of the year, so everybody have a good one! Try not to get angry! Wear lucky red, avoid the number 4!

Happy Year of the Ox!

Holy shit, holy shit, the fireworks! Every car alarm going off! I do not fucking believe this! Explosions everywhere, allatime. Whistling launch-shrieks and distant booms and series of crackling pops that go on for minutes on end! People have bought strings of fireworks in giant red coils and are unfurling them like fat firehoses on the street, then lighting the fuse with a ciggie or a sparkler and running away! There are also car battery-sized boxes of rockets and little cones that just explode and send up a little sparky sputnik. The chicks in their knee-length down coats are all holding sparklers!

Year of the Ox, everybody. Year of hard work, year of strength. May it be auspicious. May we prosper!

UPDATE: I edited my video clips together into this movie.
congee hanzi

ladypose lockdown

My aspiring DJ of a male model roommate is currently pumping some overloud techno into the apartment while he works a jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table. I can't go in my room because I'm tethered to the wall by the broadband cable. So, apologies, I'm distracted; I can feel all the mental LJ composition I did on my walk home eroding 'neath the torrent of stupid beeps and whirrs and clicks and sirens and insipid vocal samples. Ugh: "house" music. Nothing charitable to say about it. Rave on, dawg.

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funky dance

sunday grind

When I want to feel sexy, I slip into a pair of fishnet stockings, a pair of tu-tone polyester lace bloomers, a tee with some seductive lace screenprinting, a mesh vest, a superfluous belt, half a can of blue eyeshadow, a lipstick mustache and two wigs. Mmm. Then I go land a husband.

Unfortunately, I was too busy speed-catalogging to get a more representative example of my ladyposing today (this is a picture of the photographer's computer screen). Before I even did the casting, my booker advised me that she was going to recommend me to the clients because they were looking for a model who knew how to do "a lot of big pose." I did 'em at the casting, and I did 'em for eight hours today, as the client stood off to the side exhorting me, "Bigger! Bigger!" Um. I'm already spreadin 'em far and flingin 'em wide! There's an anatomical limit to the size of a big pose!
Anyway, this is how I spent my day. In eyelet'n'denim one-pieces, acid yellow dukes, crimson split peasant skirts, metallic rompers with three belts, pink wigs. Dancin, leapin, throwin shapes, big posin. Dignified-like.