Elyse Sewell ([info]elysesewell) wrote,
2005-10-11 00:30:00
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the total asshole awards


Bronze: This Anonymous Commenter

Subject: still waiting...
elyse, i thought we "knew" each other pretty well by now. we talk whenever we see each other and you tell me some pretty personal things. so i'm wondering why the fuck you haven't mentioned me in your journal yet. so disappointed...

The quotation marks. The single profanity. The allusion to knowledge of all my late-night cockfight gambling debts and fraudulent passport birth year. And, of course, the disappointment. An astounding feat of vaguely threatening anonymous commentry.


Silver: Me

Seriously, what kind of demented perv takes pictures of unwitting girls then posts them on the internet? Think about it!





Two things about "Sweat-lana," as she's known among the Cantonesically inclined:
1.) To wake herself up in the mornings, she listens to Slayer,
2.) Me: "Those are awesome [skull-festooned] Vans you're wearing."
Svetlana: "Yeah, I got them in New York, but they're made in China. I go work in Guangzhou, I see fucking 80-year-old ladies with cooler Vans than me."
Me (flushed with the instant camaraderie I feel with anyone who drops the f-bomb in our first conversation; exception, Bronze Medalist, see above): "Want to elope?"
Svetlana: "Nah."
Me: "OK, I'll content myself with waiting until you're asleep, then snapping a picture of you to gaze at later."
Svetlana: "You're a total asshole!"
Behold.



Gold: This guy



The lobby of the Shangri-La Hotel is the model-client meeting point for 100% of modeling jobs in Shenzhen, China. In fact, it's the meeting point for 100% of people meeting anyone in Shenzhen, China, for any reason. The thronging lobby would be even more unsightly if the Shangri-La provided a bunch of furniture for all the waiting models and other sundry meeters; accordingly, the room is barren of all but two low-slung couches. Occupancy: exactly nine lucky waiting asses.

The last time I went to Shenzhen for a job, the client was late, so I had been standing around in the Shangri-La for twenty minutes when a space on the couch opened up next to this guy and my ass became one of the Chosen Nine. I hunched over into the universal Do Not Chat posture, so when he tapped me on the shoulder and gestured for me to remove my headphones, I knew whatever he wanted to say to me must be important and worthwhile.
This Guy: "Incomprehensible sinodrawling."
Me: "What?"
Him: "Incomprehensible sinodrawling."
Me: "Sorry, what?"
Him: "Mumble where you from?"
Me: "Oh, um, America. United States. You?"
Him: "Incomprehensible sinodrawling that's phonetically incompatible with every Asian country and major metropolis! Whatever the hell I just said, it definitely wasn't the answer to your question!"
Me: "Oh god, here. Why don't you write it?" I thrust my open diary and my blue pen into his hands.

He hunched over into the universal Don't Copy Off My Homework Fartknocker posture and busied himself writing, like, forever. Sonnet-writing forever. Feeling awkward but not quite yet willing to get testy and snatch back my diary, I took out my camera and took a picture of him as he paused to count his iambs.

Good thing I did. Now you can congratulate him if you ever see him on the street. Because this is what he finally handed back to me.



Like a real awards ceremony, this entry is much too long, but I'd still like to take this opportunity to congratulate all the medalists for their contributions to the art and science of total assholism, and to the world at large.

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[info]lallygill

October 10 2005, 16:34:07 UTC 6 years ago

one light stand <3

[info]athenaworth

October 10 2005, 18:05:27 UTC 6 years ago

It took your response for me to get what he was trying to say. Good lord.

[info]poutling

October 10 2005, 16:36:27 UTC 6 years ago

the worst part is that pick up line is actually marginally better than what you would get at a north american night club at any given time.

[info]athenaworth

October 10 2005, 16:49:51 UTC 6 years ago

Random: I had someone told me that he was into "stocks and blondes." I first heard, "smocks and blinds," and thought he was casually telling me he was gay. Nope, just a really bad pick up line.

Anonymous

3 years ago

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[info]lotpodz

October 10 2005, 16:37:09 UTC 6 years ago

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

[info]ey

October 10 2005, 17:52:34 UTC 6 years ago

me too! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

[info]psychopompous_9

October 10 2005, 16:37:37 UTC 6 years ago

I rather like End Tables over Light Stands.

Anonymous

October 10 2005, 16:41:27 UTC 6 years ago

oh

america people like one light stand?

deep.

[info]bardot

October 10 2005, 16:41:53 UTC 6 years ago

i wonder if gold medal asshole wrote the question mark, crossed it out, intending to end that with an exclamation point, then decided against it.

[info]gb9

October 10 2005, 18:57:40 UTC 6 years ago

!

thats frikkin hilarious

[info]candid

October 10 2005, 16:42:40 UTC 6 years ago

Hilarious! I'm glad you managed to get his picture.

[info]redeyesky

October 10 2005, 16:43:44 UTC 6 years ago

Hmmm

Apparently his beauty was too much for you or you would have definitely gone for a one light stand with him. Well, maybe he was just trying to actually sell you a piece of furniture and all of our dirty minds immediately thought the worse... Nah, he is just a sicko sickerton.

Tony

[info]brandileigh

October 10 2005, 16:46:22 UTC 6 years ago

OMG I just sent this to my husband.
With a long detailed description of who you are because he can't seem to remember the day I made him watch a billion episodes heh.

[info]athenaworth

October 10 2005, 16:46:30 UTC 6 years ago

I can imagine you get tons of cyber stalkers. But, in their defense, you do do a good job of bringing people into your world. Hell, I feel like I know you even though I only read about you (trying to be my least stalker'ish self possible). I guess that comment will give me at least a "participant" ribbon in the asshole awards.

[info]elysesewell

October 10 2005, 17:10:18 UTC 6 years ago

Oh please! You're going to have to try a lot harder than that if you want to be creeping me out in the Total Asshole Games 2006.

You've got to really want it.

And you're going to need a more sinister LJ icon.

[info]athenaworth

6 years ago

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[info]grimalco

6 years ago

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[info]jeeperstseepers

6 years ago

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[info]scottbateman

October 10 2005, 16:47:04 UTC 6 years ago

Oooh, that gold medalist might make for a fun animation! :-)

[info]elysesewell

October 10 2005, 17:04:32 UTC 6 years ago

Important detail, then: I was dressed in a chain-mail jumpsuit of solid gold.

[info]zetai

6 years ago

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[info]squata_hey

October 10 2005, 16:49:41 UTC 6 years ago

Hmmm

I wonder if he loves you or Taiwan...

Depending on the season, I enjoy between 3 and 6 light stands.

[info]elysesewell

October 10 2005, 16:59:03 UTC 6 years ago

Re: Hmmm

6 light stands at once? I'm scandalized. You must not be America people.

Anonymous

6 years ago

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[info]djmrswhite

October 10 2005, 16:52:26 UTC 6 years ago

i just bought one light stand at target last week. i love it too.

Anonymous

December 17 2005, 15:26:32 UTC 6 years ago

shane

Oh~

[info]redangelteflon

October 10 2005, 16:53:57 UTC 6 years ago

LOLZ!

Did he mean to say that he likes one NIGHT stands?????????
eww, the pervvvvvvvv quotient on this guy must be quite high!
seriously, did he really think that was going to work?

[info]machine_

October 10 2005, 19:10:25 UTC 6 years ago

Re: LOLZ!

That would actually make sense.
Taiwanese homeboy is macking on you!

Here's how I deciphered it:

"I like one night stands
Taiwan & I love you.
Americans are fond of one night stands, right?
Sex me good."

Anonymous

6 years ago

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Anonymous

6 years ago

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[info]besamipiel

October 10 2005, 16:54:47 UTC 6 years ago

I'm pretty sure the first picture is of a family friend/girl I went to high school with...she's in HK modeling.

Marian???

[info]elysesewell

October 10 2005, 16:56:44 UTC 6 years ago

Ha! Yes.

[info]the_bestest_one

October 10 2005, 16:56:46 UTC 6 years ago

fun time! I want your life.

[info]laquered

October 10 2005, 16:57:12 UTC 6 years ago

No one should have cool Vans. This would prevent the jealousy I have everyday...although, if this happend, everyone would compete to have the ugliest Vans ever. The world is a cruel cruel place.

That "one light stand" must've been hard to turn down because of the fact that he LOVES you an all...

[info]misskrisha

October 10 2005, 17:02:09 UTC 6 years ago

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
shoutout to taiwan!

Anonymous

January 13 2006, 17:37:49 UTC 6 years ago

taiwanese are mostly friendly
that one is an exception maybe

[info]tara_ashley

October 10 2005, 17:05:48 UTC 6 years ago

haha That is fantastic! Did you then choose to allow some other human arse to join the lucky nine?

[info]elysesewell

October 10 2005, 18:07:42 UTC 6 years ago

I squealed, "I'm not a hooker, dude," in the most American accent ever, crammed my headphones in and kept sitting there. These colors don't run, yo. United we stand.

Anonymous

6 years ago

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[info]maps_or_guitars

October 10 2005, 17:08:24 UTC 6 years ago

Gold Anus also gets honorable mention for Most Completely Artless Pass Ever Perpetrated. That's just hack. Assholedom aside, as we understand it cannot really be. One cannot ignore that degree of assholery.

[info]ashyna

October 10 2005, 17:10:37 UTC 6 years ago

That guy

Total disgrace to the Chinese race. He needs to take some English lessons.

[info]elysesewell

October 10 2005, 17:17:18 UTC 6 years ago

Re: That guy

Soliciting a prostitute in her native tongue is only common courtesy, you know. I've avoided sticky situations like the aforementioned by learning how to flawlessly pronounce and write "one light stand" in nine languages.

Anonymous

6 years ago

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Anonymous

6 years ago

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Anonymous

6 years ago

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[info]quellybelly

October 10 2005, 17:11:13 UTC 6 years ago

Ha ha! Light stand!

America rike flied lice?

[info]parka_boy

October 14 2005, 11:33:06 UTC 6 years ago

its FRIED RICE, you PLICK

[info]quellybelly

6 years ago

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Anonymous

6 years ago

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[info]quellybelly

6 years ago

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[info]so_iloveyou

October 10 2005, 17:11:37 UTC 6 years ago

hahahajkshdjklahd that rulz

[info]esc_key

October 10 2005, 17:13:12 UTC 6 years ago

Hee. One light stand. You should've pointed him in the direction of the nearest furniture store.

[info]cycchow

October 10 2005, 18:11:40 UTC 6 years ago

May be he really wanna stand next to the light. May be he wanna be the bulb also!

[info]zetai

6 years ago

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[info]square

October 10 2005, 17:16:05 UTC 6 years ago

deep....


btw - i want to pinch your cheeks

Anonymous

October 11 2005, 02:50:30 UTC 6 years ago

cheeks

They're fake, Square.
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