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Magazine shooting today. I made the grave error of permitting the hairstylist to "trim the back" of my hair, with the stern warning, "You can't change the length because I have a job confirmed for tomorrow" (when booking a model, clients take it on good faith that she'll show up for the job looking like the same girl they saw at the casting). The hairstylist agreed, and went to work with his scissors while the makeup artist went to work with her (infuriatingly tiny) foundation brush. Thus swarmed around, I totally zoned out with my headphones on for-- well, checking the iTunes record, approximately eight minutes (nerd!).
When I cracked an eye, I found my hair completely transformed: hacked into a weird New Wave bob- all angular in the back and horizontally chopped in the front. My face immediately lit up in a beacon of what-the-fuck, and the hairstylist noticed and chortled. "Ha ha, you hate me now?!" he sang gleefully, openly acknowledging that he'd flouted my "nothing drastic" caveat.
Know ye that the combination of blunt haircut and curly hair is an abomination unto the Lord. And guess how long it took to straighten my curly hair like that? AN HOUR. No exaggeration. But does look cool in the pictures, so I'm sure the hairstylist is congratulating himself.
Toward the end of the shoot, I saw a notebook belonging to the style editor lying open on a table. Amid a page of densely scrawled mumbo ("fresh-faced makeup" "peach-tinted blush" "cool look!!"), I saw this, underlined: "STRONG haircuts!" And a picture, ripped out of some fashion mag, of a hapless blonde model sporting the exact same haircut I'm now stuck with. It was premeditated!
Here I am, besieged on all sides! The hairstylist on the right, a teeth-baring madman! The makeup artist on the left, brandishing a sinister garment- possibly the least flattering dress ever! In front of me, a quivering waif with a terrible haircut, lips dripping with a noxious mauve petroleum byproduct! No wait! That's a mirror!
So, did a hairstylist, a style editor, and a makeup artist (for without her painting foundation onto my eyelids, I never would have closed my eyes during the trimmening!) really conspire to trick me into getting an unattractive, completely impractical "fashion" haircut for the purpose of a short magazine spread about hairstyles that won't have any credibility anyway due to the presence of this hairstyle (just one of the myriad styling possibilities offered by the Wholly Impractical New Wave Bob cut):
You'd be suppressing a sneer too.
(And by the way, (men,) regarding the seemingly unreasonable "You can cut my hair, but you can't change the length": it's possible to trim hair in the back, remove damaged bits, or cut short layers without significantly altering the overall appearance of length.)
And oh look, it's 3:00am and I'm still awake, alternately writing a Livejournal about my hair and staring balefully at my hair in the mirror. O modeling! O pathological vanity! My Hair!
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March 3 2005, 19:32:19 UTC 7 years ago
March 4 2005, 23:06:51 UTC 7 years ago
its the zodiac, silly!
don'tcha know? It's the year of the rooster7 years ago
Anonymous
March 3 2005, 19:37:32 UTC 7 years ago
You've Been Assaulted and Battered!
I don't think any court of law would find that you actually gave your consent to THAT!Be that as it may, perhaps you can take this as a sign that your hair should be shorter still, but in a more flattering cut...YOU can get away with it...
Joe
March 3 2005, 19:39:38 UTC 7 years ago
the blouse is pretty!?
i am cursed with the crazy hair, too, so i have nothing but condolescences. oh, and weak attention-diverting compliments on blouses...
March 3 2005, 19:44:50 UTC 7 years ago
Anonymous
March 3 2005, 19:45:14 UTC 7 years ago
Ben in NYC
The second image.... you look like Lara Flynn Boyle.... but prettier...and smarter....March 3 2005, 23:58:57 UTC 7 years ago
Re: Ben in NYC
..and not a crazy whore who likes to make a spectacle of herself on airplanes!March 3 2005, 19:46:32 UTC 7 years ago
March 3 2005, 19:47:30 UTC 7 years ago
Adam
(still trying to figure-out where Elyse's musical tastes lie)
Anonymous
March 3 2005, 19:49:58 UTC 7 years ago
Ben in NYC
Yeah... Big E, who rocks your world?7 years ago
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March 3 2005, 19:48:15 UTC 7 years ago
curly hair
how curly is your hair naturally?mine, when air-dried, resembles shirley-temple style ringlets
i got sick of looking like a doll so i cut it off and now I straighten it every day with my uber expensive ceramic iron, but it only takes 10 minutes
March 3 2005, 20:00:17 UTC 7 years ago
March 3 2005, 20:42:51 UTC 7 years ago
"My parents were musicians. John Coltrane was a jazz musician."
March 3 2005, 20:25:54 UTC 7 years ago
Elyse's hair stylist:"Ha ha, you hate me now?!"
Elyse's makeup artist: "Huh huh. huhuhuh. She hates you."
Elyse's hair stylist: "HeHeh. Heheheh. Scissors! YAAAAAH! SCISSORS!"
Elyse's makeup artist: "Goddammit, Beavis, put those down. You're such an... ASShole."
March 3 2005, 20:45:28 UTC 7 years ago
March 3 2005, 21:27:30 UTC 7 years ago
Of course, it might be better to just, like, apply an immediate ecchymosization as soon as you see the mirror, but it's too late for that now.
God, I just saw an ad for a counter-ANTM that the WB network is putting on, called The Starlet. I did so well at not watching the ANTM4 premiere this week, and now the pressure has doubled... well, one-and-a-halfled, maybe... I don't think I can make it through the length of the series(es) by my unaided will. I'll need to turn it over to a higher power. As an atheist, though, the question of what higher power to put my faith in is a tricky question. Hmm, perhaps I can ask Mr. Hasselhoff to fill that role.
March 13 2005, 08:50:21 UTC 7 years ago
A very junior assistant.
March 3 2005, 22:02:29 UTC 7 years ago
Give me your hair
Madam,I would be most appreciative if you would make a gift of your fallen hair. I promise to split the profits from any sales through "Ebay" and the doll hair repair industry.
When you showed up for your assignment the next day, did your clients say anything about it? If so, and it was unfavorable, what recourse do you have with the sneak chopper?
I'm not sure about the ejaculate cum styling gel do, but you look pretty good in the two pictures above.
In any case, don't they use wigs and extensions all the time? Can't they air-brush in some hair length?
Anonymous
March 3 2005, 23:03:31 UTC 7 years ago
March 3 2005, 23:05:06 UTC 7 years ago
my girl
When I look at these pics, I can hardly believe you were blonde as a baby. What a contrast now, looking at you with inky black hair and eyebrows.Regarding the haircut-lucky for you, you subscribe to the school of "hey, if I don't like it, I can always cut it" and double lucky for you that your hair grows so fast. Personally, I really like the short "do"-it goes well with your tiny features.
March 3 2005, 23:09:59 UTC 7 years ago
Re: my girl
Don't you think she's too thin? And living in that incubator for avian flu virus. What's a mother to do?7 years ago
March 3 2005, 23:06:07 UTC 7 years ago
Casting Couch with Analyst
I read of an actor - what was his name? - who prepared for a role - what was that movie? - in which his character had missing molars. And so the actor had his own front teeth yanked.Producers like that, I hear.
The movie didn't do business, and his agent keeps telling the actor if anything shows up for a gap toothed old codger, he's in...
March 4 2005, 14:20:32 UTC 7 years ago
Re: Casting Couch with Analyst
Supposedly it was Nicolas Cage, for Birdy. I remember hearing about it back in High School, where of course I believed it and was half-horrified, half-in-admiration-for-his-dedication. (Now, of course, I'd just think it's nuts...) I don't know if it's a true story or not, might be an Apocryphal Hollywood Rumor like Richard Gere and the gerbil (at least I hope that one's apocryphal) or John Travolta and Tom Cruise being lovers.Doesn't mean he's not still a nut though.
7 years ago
March 3 2005, 23:24:42 UTC 7 years ago
It looks...um...aerodynamic
Well, I'll give the teeth-baring madman points for creativity. Instead of going with the standard Singer From Flock Of Seagulls 'do, he gave you the considerably more obscure Guitar Player From Flock Of Seagulls variation. Be thankful you have a face immaculate enough to sustain the most ridiculous of haircuts.Hey, if you want a quick ego boost, here's a tidbit for ya. The casting special for ANTM 4 featured (among others) an aspiring doctor and a self-avowed atheist. Gee, I wonder if they're trying to recapture past glory. Alas, I immediately lost track of who was who, so I don't know if either faux Elyse made the cut. The whole thing was a train wreck, loaded with kooky drama queens and manic attention whores presumably vying to become the modeling equivalent of William Hung. The preview for next week's episode suggests that a few of the girls are going to throw hissy fits over their new Tyra-sanctioned hairstyles. O cruel irony!
March 3 2005, 23:55:08 UTC 7 years ago
Sorry ANTM S4 casting...
Don't forget how the aspiring doctor, Keenyah, who redefines the term square-jawed--we're well beyond "Leno chin" here--quickly volunteered that she'd vastly rather be a model than a doctor. Smoooooooch that TyraAss, baby! Coincidentally, she got cast. The ex-Mormon atheist, Lindsey, sounded like she'd be good for a bunch of raunchy house hijinks, but she didn't make the cut, although I'm sure that Saint Tyra's avowed religiosity (and memories of another ANTM atheist...) had nothing to do with that.If ANTM S3 was Send In The Clowns, S4 must be Send In The Babymommas. Because that particular albatross is so very practical for an aspiring top model to have around her neck from the get-go.
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March 3 2005, 23:45:23 UTC 7 years ago
Hair we go again
You're looking distressingly like Naima, one of the ANTM S4 fashion victims. She willingly got a mohawk "to center herself" or some crap like that. You should see to it that the stylist "accidentally" loses or breaks his shears; stylists are very attached to their instruments. Ask if you can inspect them, then have them "accidentally" slip out of your hands to the cold, hard ground. Oops!If it's any consolation, at least your cut looks better than Yoanna's "modern mohawk" atrocity from S2.
That dress does appear to be competing with the famous neon yellowfur beedress for Worst. Elyse. Outfit. Ever.
I guess I don't know fashion, but the blouse looks a lot like the dress over which you sneered at J. Alexander on ANTM.
March 4 2005, 00:33:17 UTC 7 years ago
Re: Hair we go again
Nobody said Naima was a rocket scientist. But the cut (incidentally, nothing like the one pictured on The Big E. above) does look smokin' on her.7 years ago
March 4 2005, 00:04:06 UTC 7 years ago
Anonymous
March 4 2005, 05:57:38 UTC 7 years ago
go for it!
Hey Islandlove, if your avatar is a pic of you, you should give modeling a shot! Nice features.And as for the journalism, check out www.sauvescholars.org. A great opportunity.
good luck...
March 4 2005, 00:13:21 UTC 7 years ago
i, too, am blessed (?) with curly hair... it was in shirley temple-ringlets when i was a child, but as i get older, it gets less curly and more wavy. i prefer super-short hair (and inch or two all over), but my hair also grows relatively quickly and i loathe the 3-4 week trims. so, i'm growing mine out to a shaggy bob. i did the same thing last year, and as soon as it had reached bob-status, i got annoyed and chopped it off. it's a vicious cycle. anyway, the point of all my rambling is that i understand completely what you mean about blunt curly hair! however, the cut you now have is pretty much what i have to go through when growing my hair out. otherwise, i develop a bizarre white-girl fro.
one of the best haircuts i ever had was actually really similar to this sort of cut. i guess my hair texture at the time was different from all the bleaching i used to do.
Anonymous
March 4 2005, 02:14:43 UTC 7 years ago
March 4 2005, 02:23:10 UTC 7 years ago
And then when he reaches in to try to comfort you...give him...
AN ATOMIC WEDGY!
Yes.
March 4 2005, 04:40:01 UTC 7 years ago
Anonymous
March 4 2005, 05:13:04 UTC 7 years ago
March 4 2005, 05:51:19 UTC 7 years ago
I don't know, I think everyone is being polite even about the blouse. (Although I'll probably burn because it belongs to the lady herself..)
The last picture does give quite an asian look though.. is that the secret to the success??
Anonymous
March 4 2005, 23:36:39 UTC 7 years ago
hair calamities
to make yourself feel better you might want to see thishttp://beanish.dynu.com/
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